14 January 2008

The Time Has Come

to rid my world of problems. Feel free to add yours. I'm creating a large dump site for the probs over near Southern Siberia somewhere next to where I used to send the people who were a problem in my life(air fares got to be too high so now I'm freeze drying the problem peeps and thawing them out after they've learned to stay out of my airspace!)

Let's begin:

1. Hemorrhoids. Prep H and prescription stuff isn't cutting it and after what I read in this morning's paper about the CNN anchor's experience in the hospital getting the little suckers taken care of, we won't be going that route, either.

2. cancer. And no I didn't capitalize it because the word doesn't deserve the respect of capitalization. I've lost a lot of my little Caring Bridge buddies this past week due to this horrific disease and if we can keep inventing cell phones that do everything but wipe your tushie, then somehow, we have to cure cancer.
And while we're at it, add autoimmune diseases and basically any other plague that messes with our kids and loved ones.

3. Sprint. The customer service at Sprint has gone to the 22nd level of Hell. And no one is reading from the same page. Quit jacking with my phone bill. And no, the $800 one you're trying to slip past me isn't gonna fly. However, your rep is gonna fly right out the window if you don't get a handle on your customer service. I have an attitude and I know how to use it. I will take it to the airwaves and media of America. Don't mess with Ness.

4. Rude cashiers. I know serving the public is not a bowl of cherries. You're underpaid and overworked and customers tend to use you as their punching bag. However, before you assume the rude and the 'tude, give me a chance. I always say Hi, how are you? I always have my stuff out of the cart, bar codes face up and my plastic is in my hand so I don't waste time fishing it out of my purse or pack or whatever the order of the day is. I always thank you and wish you a good day. Give me the benefit of the doubt before you start power slammin' my groceries down the conveyor belt. If I wanted them smashed, I could have provided my own hammer. And don't call me Honey, Sweetie, or Doll because I'm not any of those things to you.

5. Incompetent and lazy medical personnel. Doctor receptionists and office nurses, heads up. I don't think you understand the concept. I don't call you because I'm in need of feeling warm and fuzzy or to share recipes or the latest gossip on Britney. I have a need of your assistance to a)get me an appointment by tne end of the day because either my husband is panting like a dog in heat trying to get his breath or he's too weak to arm wrestle with a tze-tze fly or b)medicine refill. This does not mean to wait until the 2nd Tuesday of next week to call me back. And don't suggest just going to the ER during office hours because my insurance has a high-speed-come-apart with that. They don't understand if you're open why the Dr. can't see us. And frankly, neither do I. And frankly, my dears, I DO give a damn. I think the movie The Doctor starring William Hurt should be required viewing for anyone who works in the medical field. In a blink of an eye, Ms. Uncaring, Unfeeling Receptionist/Nurse, it could be YOUR family needing care and YOU waiting on a return phone call. And no, it's not up to Walgreens to waste their valuable time calling you for my refills. They have enough to do---have you seen the amount of meds dear hubby and I are on? We have built a chain of Walgreens just with our prescriptions alone. And no, I can't call my refill in a week early because the insurance company has spies out and if Walgreens tries to fill it 1 second before the day it is due, the spies start shrieking and shooting Silly String over everyone and everything.

6. Tailgaiting drivers. Work with me......This is your space, this is my space. If you think I should be driving the speed of sound even though the highway signs do not agree with you, take your hurried self around me. I own the section of the road my vehicle is covering at any given time. If you are hell-bent on sharing my space, you'd better make sure you have great insurance and a plethora of moolah because I will be going after both. I don't do stupid...and anyone who wants their front end of their car in my trunk is gonna pay big. And honking only incites me. Don' I will forget where the gas pedal is and go waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay sllllllllooooooooowwwwwwww. And if you do pass me and I see a cell phone up to your ear, I'm grabbing my slingshot and tacks and gonna make your rubber meet the road on all 4 sides of your tires. If you wanna yak, pull off the road. Just.too.simple. There are enough chances out there of getting killed by another driver without you upping the stakes by cell-chatting or drinking or slapping your mug with makeup or whatever else. Stop.It.Now.

I don't want to be a greedy-gut, so I'll stop now and let you add to the list.

And BTW, Happy Monday!


Wonderful World of Weiners said...

But I don't have any to add!! Actually, I probably have a million I just can't think under pressure.

Your list got me thinking so I'll probably be back later to add something...

Oh wait! I have one thing that I would like to GO AWAY FOREVER. It really bugs me and it has become a huge ISSUE for me.

If I never see an errant hair (mainly of the pubic variety) on a public toilet seat, I will be a happy gal.

There, I feel better already.


Ness said...

So noted, Hallie and thanks because I want to add another one: Hair. Of any kind. Even mine. Laying in a sink. On a counter. They Reminds me of snakes. I am always on Hair Patrol with my paper towels and 409.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

How DARE you try to stop the doxie intervention we were planning for Lenny!!

He is in DIRE need of help! And, just for your FYI, we may do ODD things to cheese but we have always played nice with our wieners!!


kimmy said...

I would love to get rid of tailgaiters too (does that include me when there is a sale on COACH purses too)? And, while we are at it, how about the Customer Service people at my insurance company? I could definitely live without their crap!

I feel better now - thank you! :-)


Ness said...

So, Hallie plays nice with her wieners...

Will file that fact away for future

Connor, come to Auntie Ness...Mama's done gone and flipped her wig! lol

Anonymous said...

i agree with your list, ness!! i;m over it all too. bad drivers....i'd like to see them go...oh, and jessica simpson never in another movie again!!

Kellan said...

Hey - thanks for coming over and leaving the well wishes - I am fine - only need to remember about that bra thing the next time I ever have to call 911. Hope to see you tomorrow. Kellan

Debra w said...

Those telephone marketers and survey takers! No matter how often we demand that they take us off of their lists, they still manage to call.


Catty Ax Lady said...

Ness, this post made me laugh and cry at the same time...I wuv you!!!