21 August 2011


I've been trying to write a new post for a couple of weeks now but was too busy living reality.

I'm done now so I'll share where my head is at.

I was taught before I scampered off to Kindergarten about respect.  Respect for others.  Respect for other's space.  Even respect for myself.

I think I scored an A in respect.

But when my mom died, I kept living the respect for others and their space but kinda chucked mine out the window thanks to my father.

Couldn't look to my dad for respect because it was not respectful after almost 14 years of my life to spring his 3 kids by another marriage on me at my mother's wake.

It was not respectful to me to shove this prior family down my throat to the point that not even 6 months after my mother was buried, he remarried this woman and made me move from the only place I had evern known(Belleville) so that they could be closer to their other kids who were married with kids of their own.  This marriage didn't last 2 years and they divorced once again and instead of moving me back to Belleville, he moved me to Herrin for my senior year in high school.

So I figured out that if my dad, who was my world, didn't respect me and my feelings, then I didn't deserve any respect.

As the years went on, he ran my life.  He told me that my first husband and I needed to go and sign papers on a trailer he had found for our first home.  We never saw it before it was delivered.  If Dad said it, then that settled it and no questions were asked.

He told me a year later that we needed to go to the bank and sign the papers for a house we needed to move to because it was my cousin's and they were in a bind and it had a fenced in back yard for my collie and Kelli.

Again, like a Stepford child, we did.

Then 2 years later, he told us he had found an old house with acreage at the edge of town and we needed to sign papers on it because it was a good investment.

Out came my pen again.  No questions asked.

By now my respect for me and my family(husband and child) was a lost art for me.  We basically lived in an unfinished shack that had insulation for my bathroom walls with studs exposed and subflooring in the bathroom.  He did a few things, like built a stairway upstairs to supposedly turn it into 2 extra bedrooms.  We had 1 and a half bedrooms downstairs with 3 kids.  Kelli escaped upstairs to the room even though it wasn't finished.

Then my dad had a heart attack and decided he'd sell his house, buy a trailer and move it out on our acreage .  This was not up for discussion because I found out when I came home from work and saw a trailer sitting down the driveway from my house.

The next years from 1986 to 1993 were a nonending treadmill of taking the kids to daycare/school, going to work at SIU, picking up the kids and pull into my driveway to find my dad sitting on the front porch saying, "When's supper?"  I went in and literally threw a meal together while he took Kelli and Michael to his trailer to play.  Kiereney wasn't welcomed because I didn't need a third child so she didn't exist in his world.  He said the same thing about Michael until he was born and when he was a boy, he took him over and basically turned him into his son David that drowned in a bucket of bleach water when he was 2 because his then wife was too busy reading movie mags to keep an eye on him.  Michael's toys had to stay at PawPaw's house because they would be safe from Kiereney.  I spent time taking Kiereney with me everywhere to try and make up for the shunning she was getting from my dad.  The age difference between Kelli and Michael was about 8 years and 18 months and 18 days between Michael and Kiereney.

In 1993 I graduated with my Bachelor's and the next day told my functioning alcoholic husband I wanted a divorce because he was not being a father and if I was going to raise them alone, I wanted to be alone.  I moved to NY with Roger who I had met online 7 months earlier and found out that not only could I  be loved for myself but I deserved respect and got it!

Fast forward to last week.

Both daughters are living with us and both are slobs.  I make rules and they get ignored.  Last week I told them that no food was to go upstairs.  Roger alerted me that one of them took their supper up there and I went up and was told that the baseball game was on as if that was supposed to make it OK to ignore my rule.  THEN told her sister that if she had known it was me coming upstairs, she would have just hidden her plate under the bed until I left.

My rule was blatantly ignored, disrespected and basically I lost it.

And the whole respect thing came tumbling out after all these years. 

I've been dealing with that and of course, am not the most popular mom around here but I don't care.  There are things in the works for both of them to be moving on so that is the only reason they are here now but they live under my house rules or hit the door.  Period.

I've been putting up my boundaries and not letting anyone past them.  I call it as it is and noone is immune, not even my husband who crossed one today and got lamblasted.  I won't live a double life.  And RESPECT will be shown to me and the house rules or else.  I am not afraid to strike out alone again because I have learned to sail my ship.

It took me 43 years to find and embrace that I deserved respect, my thoughts and my rules of my house deserved respect and it would be enfored come hell or high water.

I have, to that end, cut a few friends off my FB because they were users and this girl is not going to be used anymore. 

So I've been busy reinventing my respect and enforcing it and it feels good.  I'm proud of the image that stares back at me in the mirror.  God and I are on the same page and Zen has helped alot.  I find comfort in my Catholic faith and daily Bible readings and feel that I am back in control.

So that's what I've been up to and why I have not blogged.

But I thought of each and every one of my followers in my absence.

Today finds me nursing a back injury from doing the Chinese splits on a wet WalMart floor while holding onto a cart, going to the chiropractor 3 times a week, making Chrisoms for a 2nd christmas tree this year and starting a crochet baby blanket for a little boy who finally uncrossed his legs during his sonogram.  His parents have tried for a long time to have a child, got pregnant with twins and one died a few weeks ago.  This little guy is healthy and very much anticipated by family and friends.

I also have been reading a lot of library books.  And I'm respecting ME and listening to my self and getting out of the house more.  I also am using Netflix to watch the entire series of Parenhood because KimD recommended the show and  Hope to catch up or at least get a handle on it before the new season starts. 

I didn't intend to turn this into a novel but I had to explain it all for it to make sense. 

My new mantra is, "If not now, WHEN?" and it helps my accountability to myself.

Thank you for reading here and realize that it is NEVER TOO LATE to respect yourself and BELIEVE in yourself. 

Have a phenomenal week!


jojo said...

I was taught early that I was not worthy of respect but it was from my was nothing for her to call me a slut, I didn't even know what the word meant but that leaves a mark that never truly heals. I too am trying to be better to myself. If I don't do it how can I expect others to? It's a process Ness and I'm so proud of you for taking the steps and making the deserve it.

Debbie Jean said...

I, also have never respected myself. I came from a very abusive childhood. At one point, I was taken away from my Mom and Dad, and the state gave me to my grandparents to live with them. Those were the best years of my life. I was then given back, to my parents, and the abuse started all over again. I married my 1st husband at age 17, mainly to get away from them. Here I turned 56 yesterday, and feel the same way I did at age 9. Thanks Ness for this blog. I do deserve respect, don't I? I am so proud of you, in what you are doing for yourself!! I so need to learn from you. You are my inspiration, and I love ya!! Keep up the good work!!

God Bless~

Laura~peach~ said...

yes yes yes and yes... whats funny to me (my mess) that i got myself into is that somehow i thought things would have changed for the better in my sister instead it is a new variety of insanity one that i am at a loss as to which way to turn ... I want to toss her out on her ear yet i dont because of the health situation I want her to go on her own to her mom she needs to be with her mom yet she stays secluded in her room sleeping all day roaming at night and I am frustrated ... because I know and god knows that when I do finally open my mouth and say what needs to be said it will be like a damn bursting and unfortunatly the correct points will be lost in the flood and i dont want that to happen ... i have emailed her several times to try to express my feelings on all this and to keep it from being a flood and apparently that does nto help at all... so its monday again and I am up and showered and going ot face the day with my daughter and grand daughter (who called and asked to spend the day with me... get up off the floor LOL this will be the second time in three months ) so maybe progress is being made??? in that front anyway... and who knows maybe I will find the way to get my boundaries and home back... today :) love you ness

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TonjiaT said...

My heart just breaks for you Ness.. I am so proud of you for standing up, and learning to respect yourself, thats where it all starts.....

love and hugs to you my friend, you are doing the right thing!

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Debra said...

We are all works in progress. Each and every one of us has our own sets of lessons to learn and other lessons to teach and as long as we keep getting back up and trying each day, we have the chance to get it right.

Boundaries are difficult to set and difficult to stick with, dear one. But we should never stop trying. Never. YOU are worthy of respect and I am glad that you are demanding it! Like you and I both know, we teach people how to treat us, good or bad, so do not give up.

I am glad that you are doing some things that make you feel good and validated and content. Like you said, If not now, when? And if I may add, If not ourselves, then who?

Stay strong, my friend! I have complete faith that you will get to where you need to be. The others, they can follow, or they can just back off!

Love and big hugs,

Anonymous said...

Good for you sweet Ness!! Keep going forward and keep up the respect. You deserve respect as we all do. Glad you have taken hold of the reins and making steps to make your life all better. Be happy sweet friend and enjoy the little things. Huge hugs!

Alice said...

Hang in there mama. Setting boundaries is just as good for them as it is you. Sorry you're having to deal with it, but you are such a smart lady. You have taught me so much...we are all learning as we go. Love you friend.

Outsource said...

Great piece of writing, loved the way it was presented and all the more want RESPECT the way you have shown the way.
Great Post

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