15 November 2011

Oh Lord, where do I begin?

In a nutshell, Daughter 2(further known as D2) has been in and out of 2 psychiatric hospitals for 4 overdoses on prescription meds and a diagnosis of PTSD due to a rape her junior year we never knew about.  She has always run with a group of friends and after her engagement I guess she realized what being a wife would mean and she freaked out and thus started this journey in September.  She has now been out for a week seeing a counselor and psychiatrist.  Yesterday I discovered that my pain meds, sleep meds and Ativan had been pretty much depleted and I can't get them refilled until 11/25.  So I'm making due, praying a lot and trying to make the heart hurt go away that neither daughter will owe up to the fact that they have had a key made to my safe because we change the combination every day and I never open it if they are in the room.  The ultimate yesterday was when one of them said, "Fine, Mom, I did it.  You seem to not be able to give this up unless someone confesses."  I saw red.  I told them I wanted the truth and that I had a right to be upset about my meds being absconded and to get out of my airspace.  I cried for hours and know that as a Christian I am to forgive as I am forgiven but this just hurts so bad that they would do this to their mom who they know needs the meds and who is providing them with a home.  Kelli was laid off but has another prospect and as soon as that happens they are both gone.  I am done with having daughters.  That may sound harsh but I don't have the energy to explain what all I have been through with them and Roger and I are ready to reclaim our home.

My dear Roger...he can't stay out of the hospital.  Two weeks ago he had a 34 pulse, trying to pass out and seeing spots before his eyes.  They rushed him to the hospital and after they took him off Coumadin to thicken his blood up for surgery and lots of Vitamin K, they installed a dual chamber pacemaker.  Pulse was at 70 and all seemed well....until this last Saturday when he had the passing out feeling and seeing black spots again.  His blood pressure was 94/54 so back to the hospital by ambulance and the pacemaker company sent someone out to "interrogate" the pacemaker.  It checked out fine so the pacemaker wasn't the problem.  They started giving him IV fluids because his labs showed him to be dehydrated and in renal failure with a high creatinine.  The next day his creatinine was better and it dawned on the Cardiologist that he has lost 50 lbs (on his own) since she put him on 80 mg of Lasix (diuretic) and it was too much for his body size and needed to be stepped down.  He is now on 60 mg per day and so far, so good.  We both caught the virus of the week but outside of that he was doing well.  However, I had a go-round with the discharge nurse because in going over discharge instructions, they STILL had the Lasix at 80 mg and had his Coumadin at 7.5 mg instead of 5 on MWF and 2.5 the rest of the week.  That could have killed him because he would have bled out.  I thank God every day I got my LPN license.  I may not be able to do it as a career but I use it plenty on my family. 

Thanksgiving is at my house this year and I will have to wait to see who shows up.  Kathy, Bobby, Carter and Cade for sure, Michael for sure, Roger and I for sure and the rest gets dicey...Kelli and her new boyfriend (also Army) are supposed to be here but if D2's fiance' comes then Kelli refuses to be here.  Looooong story but I had asked him not to call when D2 was in the hospital and he did anyway so militarian Kelli says he doesn't deserve to be here because he disobeyed my orders.  He is also in the Army.  So who knows? But we are having our first-ever FRESH turkey...A Butterball.  Every year it's a stressor to defrost the frozen one because Roger and I have different ideas of defrosting OCD goes to DEF COM when it comes to food possibly spoiling.  So this year I pick it up Wed. night and cook it the next day.  Michael will be in a few days early to visit and help out.  We are finally coming into the 21st century and getting a new TV (42 inches!) which will sit on top of our entertainment stand.  Roger and I can't go out much (poverty sucks) so we watch TV and rent Netflix movies so we feel it's a good investment.  God Bless WalMart for opening up layaway for electronics this Christmas.  Michael can lift it into the truck and into the house and set it up as he just bought a 47 inch for his new apartment in Richmond and hooked it up.  Electronics and I do not play well together.

OK, well I think that is a catchup in a nutshell.

Happy that my Cards won the World Series and taking a wait and see attitude with our new manager Mike Matheny.  I wanted Oquendo but since I don't have time to run the Cardinals I'll deal with it.

If I don't get back here before Thanksgiving, I wish each of you and your families a Blessed Thanksgiving.  I'm still believing~I hope you are, too.


Paxie said...

I distinctly remember a book being talked about "Boundaries".

Before you lose your damn mind, I suggest you find some, sweetie. Enough is enough. Focus on Roger and the people who treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Love and hugs!!

Debbie said...

Hi Ness,
I agree there with Paxie on the Boundaries thing. Sometime love hurts and it's time for TOUGH LOVE for those girl's. For them to take your med's is beyond over stepping boundaries, esp when their Mom needs them to get by each day, which is something I so understand.
Thanksgiving is also at my house, 2 of my children will be here with their spouses and 5 grandchildren!! Should be fun and happy and cause a lot of pain, but pain so well worth it.
I am glad Roger is home and doing OK. I have worried so much about him and you. Please concentrate on him, and you, and leave the other's to do for themselves.
I love you, Ness and hope things go better for you this week and Thanksgiving week.

God Bless and enjoy your new TV!!


TonjiaT said...

Bless your heart Ness (and I mean that) you have a lot on your plate. I remember a strategy in the 80's called "tough Love". Sometimes it helps...

Prayers are headed your way for you and for Roger.

This too shall pass...

Ness said...

If it hadn't been for Laura directing me to the Boundaries book the beginning of this year I would be worse off than I am. Roger and I have turned it into a book study and I'm reading it aloud and we have been doing that since the Spring. Believe it or not, I have set boundaries. There were rules that had to be signed when she left the hospital before I would agree that she could live here and she and the hospital know that if she screws up, I have the police on speed dial and she will be removed from here. It's fine to sit back and tell someone what to do, but it's so much harder to walk the walk than talk the talk. I appreciate all of your loving suggestions and just wanted you to know the besides the Bible, the Boundaries book rules this house. I have so many boundaries set up you can trip on them when it comes to the girls. Each infraction creates another boundary. And I'm proud that I have stuck with them. It wasn't easy. I think losing my mother at such a young age affected me when I raised my kids in a negative-to-me way, wanting to always be there, stand with them, etc. Now I know it's the worst thing I could have done. Live and learn and keep on believin'! Love you all!

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LauraX said...

Oh Ness, what you and your family are going through is so over the top. I'm so sorry. I've not been around to visit in quite some time. I hope that Roger is doing better and that things work out with your daughters and that you are not in too much physical pain in the midst of the emotional turmoil.

may you be blessed with peace!

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